Teresa is 54 Today!

We had a great celebration of life and birthday observance for the Redhead on Sunday at Sequoyah Park in Knoxville.  We had food, family and friends, and a champagne toast.  We also unveiled her celebration bench and released balloons.  It was a glorious afternoon except that the guest of honor was only present in our minds and spirits.  But you know, that was enough that day.  And as sad as we are that she  is not with us on earth now, we are even more proud to have known such a beautiful soul for as long as we did.

 As you know, Teresa is an amazing woman.  We know that now more than ever when we look back and feel her unbelievable support for us and anybody she knew.  And as you all know, she was indeed a hugger.    I still feel her soul hugs every day.   With that in mind we want to create a legacy of hugs to help people in their toughest times.  Much like Teresa would do.

When people are terminal, or have someone close to them who is very ill or terminal and at the end of their life there is often a lack of support for a variety of reasons.  In many cases there is help available but no one knows how to access it.  In other cases there just isn’t the right kind of help.

A new charitable organization has been started called Ease My Sorrows.  The website will be up soon at www.Ease-My-Sorrows.org   Ease My Sorrows will be an organization that will eventually provide many different services for people who are dying or has a family member dying or in critical care.  These services will vary and will develop over time as the organization grows.  Part of the mission of Ease My Sorrows will be to not duplicate services already being offered but to be a facilitator for those services while adding new services where needed.

The first program that is being developed will be called TERESA’S HUGS and will be dedicated to our sweet redhead and her ability to make someone feel better by just listening and being there for others,  and providing a gentle hug when needed.

The program will start with seeking out dedicated volunteers who are willing to spend whatever time they can with families of people in Intensive Care Units or Hospice who may need to just talk about their feelings.  Compassionate listening will be employed to provide that human connection that everyone needs and wants when they are confused and uncertain about the future of their loved one.  Volunteers will be trained to listen without judgment and without providing direction or counseling.   The most powerful part is just being there for another human being.

As the organization is able to grow and raise money, funds for meals, transportation, and other nominal expenses will be added to support those less fortunate people who simply have no real family support or expenses to even provide basic support.

Teresa Hugs is a tremendous opportunity for all of us to be involved in service to our fellow humans at a time of crises.  Organizational meetings will begin soon.  I hope you will become involved.  I promise it will make a difference in other’s lives and yours as well and you will help leave a tremendous legacy for our sweet Redhead!

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on. 

~David Harkin~ 

__________________________________________________________

She may be gone from this physical world but her light and love will shine forever through us. Please join us for a Memorial and Celebration of Life as we honor Teresa Johnson on her 54^th birthday.  

Beautiful Redhead in NYC, 2009

 We will be meeting at Sequoyah Hills Park – Near Boat Launching Area & Indian Mound (the middle part of the 3 main park areas) at 3 pm on Sunday, September 19.

   Please bring chairs and beverages of your choice and please if you haven’t already RSVP’d please do so in the comment section.

 

If you have any questions or need directions please call Brianne at 865-385-6163 or email at briannejohnsonwright@yahoo.com.

 

 

For a man that likes to read his own words I am a pretty bad excuse for a blogger.  June 24th was the last day I posted and I honestly thought that it would only be a day or two that I would post an update but here it is almost two months later.  I could make all kinds of excuses and everyone would say “Yeah that is a good reason”, but I have just been in a funk when it comes to my writing.  And maybe the calm after the LBL session contributed to that.

July was a pretty tough month.  Last July was an unbelievable and unforgettable time for Teresa and me and as it turned out just the beginning of a bad ending.  Last July 7, I got a text that said “I’ve got stitches” right after the biopsy at the gynecologist’s office.  About a week later Teresa called me while I was just finishing up a meeting and told me to come back to the ARC and that she had something to tell me that she didn’t want to tell me over the phone. 

Well I started back in a hurry and I just couldn’t wait so I called her back and she told me it was Melanoma.  I got back and held her tight for what seemed like an eternity.   Our world had turned upside down in a heartbeat.  Before the month was out she had surgery and the odyssey began.  I thought about that a lot this July.  A year has already passed now.

One thing that I got reminded of is just how things change.  July 27^th was Teresa and my 36^th anniversary.  On our wedding day and many of our anniversaries we ate at IHOP.  It became a tradition for us.  It’s so funny how we create those traditions and how we want them to last forever.  After all they are traditions, aren’t they?

So, old Jimbo had this great idea to have breakfast at IHOP on the 27^th.  My plan was to get a table for two, order an omelet for the Redhead and a breakfast for me.  I don’t like omelets but she sure did.  So it was gonna be just me in person and Teresa in spirit and it would almost be like old times. 

The craziest thing happened.  I drove over to IHOP on Kingston Pike and pulled into the parking lot, got out, and started walking toward the door when a construction type guy said “We are closed for remodeling.”  I looked around and all the vehicles in the parking lot were pickup trucks and there were construction workers all over.  I even looked up and there were two guys way up high painting the metal roof “IHOP Blue.”  The foreman apologized and said they should be open that Thursday.  Two days too late for me.

Well that kind of spoiled the idea and even though I could have gone to another IHOP in town it was clear that this was a sign of change.  I knew that it was a symbolic gesture at best so  I decided that it was a tradition that needed to be retired.  It was our tradition and since we couldn’t celebrate it anymore then it needs to end like all traditions must  do eventually.

Well I made it through July and now it is halfway through August.  Teresa has been gone almost 5 months now and it won’t be long till we will be in our third season.  September 22 is her birthday and we plan a memorial at that time.  It will be a great time to again celebrate just what an amazing woman she was and is.  Stay tuned for details.

I have been going through Teresa’s belongings and I can tell you it is slow going.  The clothes, and shoes, and all of her stuff is difficult to see and touch without the imagery of her in the clothes or using her stuff.  I have a big trunk, a small trunk, and even a jewelry box where I am storing stuff I just can’t part with.  It seems like I am keeping more that I should but I really don’t have a choice.  It will go in time.  Or maybe not.

Brianne was going through some old cards and other stuff on Saturday and found a letter from Teresa to me on our 20^th anniversary.  Oh my, it just made me so sad and also so happy at the same time.  I have attached a scanned copy for you consumption.  To me it meant the world.  Teresa was indeed an amazing woman and I was so blessed to have her in my life.

As you know I have been embarking on a spiritual journey in a quest for several outcomes.  One is to discover whether or not my dear Teresa is my soul mate (I believe the odds are pretty good that she is) and to also try to focus in on my purpose for the rest of my life on planet earth.  I also want to be able to connect with, and take wisdom from my soul guides who have a clearer picture of what I am here to do.

While I know that many of you readers may not believe in my spiritual ideas and instead have your own spiritual and religious beliefs, I also know that many of you are like me in that you are open to others beliefs and respect others rights to those beliefs.  I am not attempting to convince anyone to think like I do but to know that I write about my experiences and beliefs with conviction and honesty.

As you know I have had one hypnotic session with Claudia Jean Hilton, who helped me meet Arvola, my soul guide.  That was indeed a magical experience of which I had never experienced previously.    I can now say that I have experienced a far greater and enriching experience as I have now went through 2 past life regressions and also a life between lives experience.  It might be good to point out here that I sought out Claudia Jean because she is a member of the Newton Institute and uses the processes developed over a 40 year careered with thousands of patients by Dr. Michael Newton.

If you are not familiar with the methodology that is taught by the Newton Institute, I would encourage you to go the Newton Institute website at http://www.spiritualregression.org/.  I would further suggest that you check out Claudia’s website at http://themysticalmoment.org  This may give you better insight to the process and expected outcomes of my journey.  Claudia is first rate and there was a reason I went to her for assistance to begin with.

Another thing to mention here is that there are hundreds of other therapists and hypnotists that have used similar techniques in order to regress people to past lives and between lives with very similar results.

Here is the general premise:

• We are all pure eternal souls who are part of the creator (God)
• The light (Heaven) is where souls reside
• Souls incarnate on earth and other planets and take various intelligent life forms
• Soul mates and soul groups are common for us all
• At some point souls do not incarnate any longer because they have experienced many learnings over many lifetimes and now serve as a guide to less experienced souls
• Soul guides eventually become elders who help counsel souls while they are between lives in the spirit world
• Every soul always leaves a fraction of their energy in the spirit world while they incarnate
• Souls use a life scene selection room in order to preview possible future lives and make “contracts” on how they will interact with those in their soul group over many lifetimes and with other souls for only one life.
• There are no coincidences in this life on earth
• All souls and God have unconditional love for one another

 Whether or not you have any of the same beliefs that I do, I believe you will find my story interesting.  I will be writing the details of my journey over several blog entries because there is so much to tell.  I hope you will not only read my entries but also comment on how you feel about them.

I plan to continue my spiritual journey by seeking out opportunities to meditate, use hypnosis, and look to my inner soul and soul guides for direction.  At the same time I will work on my earthly mission as that becomes clearer for me.  I will be glad if you decide to go along for the ride.  I can bet it won’t be boring!

My Dearest Rose,

I want to wish you the best birthday that you could ever have.  I am so sorry that I can’t be there with you to celebrate this very special 4^th birthday.  You have grown so much this last year and you are such a little princess.  Anyone would be so very proud to you as their granddaughter.  I know I am.

I have been keeping my eye on you and visiting you in your dreams and that makes me so happy to be part of your life.  Ever since you were born, I have loved you more than I ever thought I could.  I sure miss the snuggling with you too but I know Papa Jim is doing that for me when he can.

It just seems like yesterday that you climbed up with me in my hospital bed and told me I was your best friend.  That will always mean so much to me and I hope you will always feel that way.  I know that you bring so much joy to my life and I miss you being in my arms.  It seems like we spent so much time sitting together and just talking.  I sure miss those stories that we use to make up  You are so creative.

When I think about it, we have had so many special times together.  Remember when we went to the Wilderness Resort and played in the water for two days?  And all the times we played with the big ball on my deck.

Rose, you have so many experiences and milestones ahead of you in your life.  I just want you to know that I will be watching over you when you start school, when you move to middle school and high school and have your first date.  I will be watching over you when you graduate from high school and college and get married.  I will also be watching over you when you have a child of your own.  I know that this seems like a long time but it goes so fast my dear.

I think the most important thing for you to know now, and in the future, is that I am your guardian angel and I will never be that far away.  And I will always love you more than you can imagine.

Rose, I will close for now with a very special wish for you.  I wish for you a lifetime of happiness and love and I wish for you to always remain as special as you are right now.  Your future is bright and full of promise.  Live your life to the fullest and always treat others with love and caring and you will always succeed.

When you are sad or feeling bad just close your eyes and I will hug you ever so gently.  When you are distressed and it seems like the world and everyone in it is against you, just take a deep breath and say “I love you Granny”, and I will love you back.   When you need a best friend please think of me for I will always be your best friend.  Yes, always.

Love, Granny T

As you may know, I have been planning on exploring my spiritual soul for some time. Teresa and I are both spiritual and we have explored ideas, taken classes, and held many discussions about who we really are and what we are here on earth to do. Yesterday I was able to take the concept a step further.

I went to Brevard, North Carolina to meet with Claudia Jean Hilton, a practitioner of the Newton method of hypnosis and past life regression. http://themysticalmoment.org/ As you might imagine, she is a very interesting person and I became instantly aware that she is tuned into a higher level of spirituality. I had been emailing and talking with Claudia for some time but we felt like that the time to begin the journey is now.

My only previous experience with hypnosis and regression was in a class that Teresa and I took many years ago at UT. It was a “Life after Life” course where we explored all kinds of spiritual phenomenon such as life after life, out of body experiences, and other non-conventional experiences and beliefs. As part of that the professor did a hypnotic regression with the group. It was my first real experience with hypnosis and it blew my mind on what I experienced. I will talk about it at some other time.

The total process with the Newton method involves three stages. The first stage, which I experienced yesterday, is to go under hypnosis and learn how to relax and move from a conscious state to a hypnotic state very easily. To learn some techniques that will be helpful. It is also to explore and communicate with your soul guide. I will explain that a little later in this blog.

The second stage is Past Life Regression and the third is Life between Lives regression. Thos two stage will be done over a 2 day period and we hope to complete those in the next few weeks. For the sake of brevity I will only be giving the highlights and not the detailed session notes. The session was recorded so I can always go back and listen to bring out important points. Interestingly enough I was aware of the entire session in my conscious mind so the recording is somewhat redundant.

After going through some relaxation techniques, Claudia was able to guide me deeper into a hypnotic state. I didn’t really feel that I was under but after debriefing it was clear that I was doing what you do while under hypnosis. After a while working with me Claudia made some suggestions of what I should visualize and concentrate on and it took me a while to really be able to use my mind’s eye to focus.

The first exercise was to have me imagine being on top of mountain or a very high place where I could look out and see a beautiful valley. She slowly took me down the gentle slope while I visualized all the sky and trees and plants within my view. The suggestion of an animal had me focus in very quickly on a deer. I believe it was a white tailed deer with white spots and I vocalized that. After getting close to the deer and looking into its big brown eyes, the deer proceed to take me to my spiritual guide. At first I felt like I was in a cave, very dark. Claudia suggested to have the deer guide be back out to the valley floor where the sun was streaming through the trees. It was a beautiful vision.

At that point I could imagine and feel a presence who would turn out to be my soul guide. At first he appeared in an alien like form. He had large eyes that were hard to actually look into. He had a long robe with a hood much like monks wear. The hood somewhat obscured his eyes. The robe was a light brown or taupe. He seemed to be tall but not at all threatening. Claudia asked me to extend my hand and put in his and to feel the characteristics. His hand was rough but gentle. I believe he is a very old soul which makes sense if he doesn’t incarnate any longer. Claudia asked me if my guide was male or female and I instantly said male.

Claudia asked me then to ask him what his soul name was. I did that in my mind’s eye or telepathically. At the instant he answered me his name was also spelled out in the area in front of him. Much like the writing you would see from the sky-writing planes. ARVOLA While this doesn’t seem to be a name that most of incarnated on earth would recognize, many of the case histories I have read have soul names that are very different than what we are accustomed to.

 The rest of the session was spent on me interacting with Arvola and having me concentrate on a column of golden light that encompassed us both as he put his hands on my shoulders and brought me to his bosom. I asked him what things I need to do to continue having him help me fulfill my mission here on planet earth. He indicated to me that I need to mediate, sit quietly and reflect, and to calm myself more so my focus would become sharp.

I asked him what he could do for me to help me to do the things I needed to and to guide me further toward my mission. At that point he covered me with an almost clear “force field” I could actually feel the vibrations and feel the energy. I asked him why the covering and he indicated that it was to protect me as I move forward and would give me the strength to be successful. Claudia asked me if it was a clear covering and when I focused more intently it had a blue tint, much like glacier ice, if you have ever seen it.

It was time to come back to full consciousness and Claudia gave me the prompts that she had suggested to me previously. To my surprise I was energetic and remembered everything. (Or think I did, LOL) Claudia shared with me two things after the session that I am really intrigued about. One is that in all her sessions a soul guide has not covered the subject like in my session. The other thing is that she indicated that her soul guide had helped her see a vision of me in the future holding the hand of a person dying and giving them comfort as they pass into the light. Of course if you read anything about Teresa’s hugs then it isn’t a stretch at all seeing that as a reality.

I know many folks that read this blog may have other beliefs than I do but all I can say is that my experiences and my beliefs are my own. And I know that they don’t contradict any other person’s belief, at least in my viewpoint. I know that we are all eternal souls with different experiences and beliefs while on earth and that we all are truly in the light no matter how we describe or believe it for ourselves.

I can’t wait to continue my journey and to share that with others as I have done here. I have a lot of work to do on my end to calm myself and let my spirit guide and soul family help me get to my destiny here on earth. Claudia told me in parting that I have some great things to do. Somehow I know that instinctively and with the help and guidance form Arvola, I will be successful.

May 9, 2010

My Dearest Teresa,

Today is Mothers day and the problem with that is that you are not here to celebrate your special day.  I know that Mother’s Day has never been a huge celebration for us but I could always tell how thrilled you were when the kids used to make homemade Mother’s Day cards for you.  I could tell you were delighted and when hugs were given out you gave them with all the love that only a Mom could.  You never disappointed.

I don’t know if I ever really told you just how good a Mom you are, but as I recall all of the things that you did for Tony and Brianne, and how you were always there for them when they needed you, I appreciate you so much more.  Both of them learned many things from you and are both are compassionate loving adults.  They get a lot of that from not only what you told them over the years but also the way you modeled that behavior.  My children could not have had a better Mom.  I know you are proud of that.

The weekend was sort of subdued.  Brianne cam down on Saturday and we hung out some.  Tony had to work but after he got off he and Rose came over.  We just hung around not doing anything in particular except playing with Rose.  We decided to have pizza as a late dinner and Rose and I started a bonfire in the pit.  Tony was making a vegan pizza and Brianne was ordering one form a new local pizza place.

Meanwhile the bonfire was starting to be just right and Rose and I were sitting on the steps watching it.  She wanted to tell ghost stories so we did.  Her story was a about a little girl ghost and a kangaroo ghost.  As you know, she has such a vivid imagination .

We were just sitting there watching the fire and she said, “I miss my Granny T.”  She had only said that a few times since you went away.  I told her that I missed you too and now you were in heaven above and is our guardian angel.  She said. “I know.”  After a brief pause she told me “I miss snuggling with Granny.”  I told her I did too.  My mind raced to recall all of the times that she would be in your arms in the rocking chair and about everywhere else and how you cherished those times.  Little did you know that she did too!

Several times on Mother’s day, Rose shared “I miss Granny.”  We would chat briefly.  On time she said that “Granny talks to me.”  When I asked her what you said she responded “She says she loves me.”  And then she spontaneously added, “And that makes me feel better.”  She said that twice during the day..

I want to thank you for doing from afar what you always did on earth, comforting others when they needed it the most.  There is not a doubt in my mind that you come to Rose and help her with her pain of missing you.  That is something that only you can help her with.  While we can talk with her and reassure her, the communication from you will let her know that you are all right but just can’t be with her right now.  It is a wonderful thing for a little girl to have a soul guide who will help her through the pain.  And I know you will always be there when she needs you.

I will close for now by saying that the first Mother’s Day without you was not fun. But we had some good thoughts and memories of past Mother’s Days.  We missed your warm smile and your love for us.  Even though we know you are looking out for us, it is just so hard.  We did honor you in our own way and know that no matter what, you are pain free as a wonderful spirit and someday we will be reunited.  And that comforts us.  Happy Mother’s Day!

I love you always and forever, Jim

It occurs to me that during my journey through this grief process I am always somewhat surprised when a thought or series of thoughts decides to pop up.  I am in a training program this week and it is quite interactive and busy.  At the end of the day yesterday the class had agreed to have dinner at a Mexican Restaurant to celebrate Cinco de Mayo.  So as I was getting out of the building and heading for my car, I was engaged in conversation with a classmate and no had particular thoughts other than what we were talking about. 

We got to our respective cars and as I was putting my stuff in my car I thought to myself that as soon as I got buckled up and on the road I would call Teresa.  And then it hit me.  I couldn’t call Teresa.  Not this day, not any day.  My mind had temporarily forgotten that she was gone.  It tricked me.  Or perhaps I was trying to trick my mind.  When that happened it actually stopped me in my tracks.  I just stood there frozen for a minute or two.  I shook my head in disbelief and bowed my head in sadness.  It was as if I had been hit with the news for the first time again right at that moment.  I was numb and in disbelief and couldn’t move.  It took me a bit but I managed to get going again and continue the charade of seeming perfectly normal to others that may observe me.  Maybe people even think I am a cool customer for the way I seem to be dealing with her death.  It is all a charade you know.

If you are an ex smoker then you may know that the hardest times to avoid smoking is the first thing in the morning when you are needing a fix after a nicotine fast, after a meal, and with a coffee or alcoholic drink.  I believe that with the exception of the fast, most of the other difficult times are more of a habit that is hard to break.  To break the habit we have to accept  a change from the routine we have been following and do something else so we don’t slip backwards.

The most difficult times for me are the ones like yesterday where for some indeterminate amount of time my mind tricks me and allows me to think that I just need to do what I always have done by interacting with and loving Teresa.  When I go to bed in the evening my habit tells me to reach over and pat and rub Teresa’s butt so she will know that I am there and continue to love her every night.  That is what my mind tells me I should do to continue the habit.  Now I do that and pretend she is there about half the time.  I am sure that as time goes on my habit will be broken and I won’t reach for her.  I hope that is not too soon.

Another time of day is when I wake up.  It usually takes me a moment or two to realize that she is not with me and my habit of finding her beside me and laying with each other still wants to kick in.  It is exactly what my habit wants.  As I have mentioned before I sometimes cuddle with her blanket with the wonderful peach lotion fragrance that it still retains.  I hope that this behavior doesn’t end too soon either.

Another time that always seems to sneak up on me is when I am running a little late at work in a meeting or trying to complete a project and it pops in my head that I need to get out of there and get home to the Redhead.  Of course the instant I think that, my rational mind takes over and tells me I need to lose that habit.

Only about a week prior to going to the hospital and the end of her life, I was at work with Team Nursing and our meeting was running long.  Teresa had told me earlier that day that as soon as I got home she wanted us to get in the hot tub.  She was serious since I got a text from her while still in the meeting that said “It is time to let your prisoners go.”  I went straight home and we enjoyed the hot tub for at least an hour.  Man I sure wish she would text me now!

I suppose the lesson here is that rational mind somehow has to check me when I have those thoughts of Teresa and the habits I had with her.  I don’t know if it is because I have some unfounded belief that she is coming back and I have to preserve our traditions?  Is it a bit of denial on my part?  I don’t know what the answers are.  I only have questions and assumptions at this point.  All I know is for a fleeting moment it is just like it is supposed to be and Teresa is there with me or waiting for me.  And then it hits me every time.

One of things about mine and Teresa’s relationship was that we had a lot of humor interlaced with everyday life and even during the tough times humor always seemed to lighten the load.  I was always more of a jokester but Teresa sort of had a dry sense of humor.  I want to share some of these stories.

When Teresa was pregnant with Tony and it was down to the due date and we were both pretty nervous.  Of course we really didn’t know what to expect and wasn’t enlightened enough to enroll in Lamaze classes or seek out other good information.  When Teresa first went into labor I was trying to get her to St. Mary’s as fast as I could and even ran a few red lights (after stopping, of course)  After being over at the hospital for about 12 hours or so it was determined that Teresa was having false labor.  So back home to wait on the real thing we went.

A couple of days later it seemed like the real labor had set in so we go back to the hospital.  We went through all of the procedures and were assigned to a labor room.  Now we had determined that I would be there for the birth even though we really had no clue what to expect.  But I was determined to be the kind of husband and father that would always be there for his family.  Even if that meant I wasn’t prepared fully.  Well, that was surely the case here.

Teresa was definitely in labor but the problem was that she just wasn’t dilating enough.  They gave her drugs to help but after hours of labor pain and much discomfort for Teresa there just wasn’t much progress.  Teresa was really struggling and getting more annoyed and in more distress as time went on.  She was crying and hurting and then got mad.

She looked me right in the eyes and told me in no uncertain terms, “I am NOT having this baby”  What am I supposed to do but try to comfort her and tell her she was going to be fine.  Well that was it for her and she ordered me out of the labor room, cursing like a sailor all the while.  The Labor Nurse must have felt pretty sorry for this soon to be first dad who was pretty much shell-shocked, when she took me aside and said “Don’t worry Hon they all get like this” while escorting me out to the waiting room.

Nothing in my four years as a Marine had prepared me for this.  A few hours later it came down to the doctor and nurses having to rush her down to the operating room for an emergency C section.  Teresa was in trouble at that point and I was worried.  But in the end Tony was born healthy and strong and Teresa and I hung in there for many more adventures.

When you are younger it seems like you always want to win.  Teresa and I fell into sort of a trap as we proclaimed our love for each other.  We would sometimes just say to each other “I love you”  Then sometime we would say to each other  I love you more” which brought the dialogue into a whole new realm of trying to outdo the other one.  I never thought that when we would say that it meant that the other one didn’t love as much though.  Then the progression became “I love you the most”, which could be taken as negative I suppose. 

One day Teresa told me that she loved me the most.  I said to her “The most of what”.  She said “The most of anyone or anything,  you silly goose.”.  After that both of us would use that expression when we wanted to express our deepest love for each other.  “I love you the most” become such a sweet statement of our love for each other.

As Teresa was undergoing chemo a few months ago, we were at Dr. Antonucci’s office one day and a gentleman about my age was in the waiting room with his granddaughter while his wife was undergoing chemo treatments.  The little girl was about 3 years old, adorable, and was very friendly to me and Teresa and we chatted for a bit.  Her grandfather said that he and his wife spent a lot of time with her.  Of course this reminded us of Rose.

The grandfather at one time asked the little girl just how much she loved her grandmother and with no hesitation the little girl said “I love her more than enough.”  It was clear that was the tradition that they used in their family.  After that Teresa and I started using that same phrase.  So it was either “I love you the most” or I love you more than enough.”  Either way it meant that we loved each other more than anything or anybody in the world.

Teresa and I grew up together.  I may have been 24 when we met and an ex-marine but I was not really very savvy with all this love and relationship stuff.  Neither one of us had very high self esteems at that point in our lives.  Teresa expressed to me a few times that she didn’t think she could compare favorably with my ex-wife who I had been married to for about 2 ½ years total with maybe about 1 ½ years actually together.  From time to time she would bring this up about my ex wife this, my ex wife that and I would always reassure her that I was very happy with her. 

Sometime around our 25^th anniversary she mentioned my ex wife again.  It wasn’t that she brought this up often but seemed to be during times when she thought I was displeased with her so the natural thing would be to compare.  At this particular point I was really annoyed by this and I asked her to sit down and discuss it with me.  I told her at that point that I had been married to her for TEN times longer than I was to my ex wife and that if I didn’t love her with all my heart and soul, then that could have never happened.  We hugged and kissed and she swore that she would never mention it to me again.  And she never did. 

Over the years Teresa and I talked about death sometimes and we both expressed that we wanted the one of us that survived to feel comfortable with a new companion so we wouldn’t be alone.  I used to kid her and say “I have enough life insurance for you to keep up a good man when I am gone.”  She would just laugh and say that she already had the best man she would ever find.  That did make me feel good.

When Teresa got sick she told me several time that she did want me to not be alone.  I would always say that I would never be alone because she would still outlive me.  After her unplanned episode and 8 days in CCU she was in a lot of pain and on morphine to help, she would wake me up at all hours for me to get her something to drink or just to chat.  It was pretty comfortable in that hospital convert a bed but I was always excited to get up just to be with her.  I fought off the fatigue and would just hold her so close.  One morning about 3 am I was talking softly to her and expressing my love when she looked at me with such sad eyes and told me “Please don’t leave me for another woman.”  She was so scared.  My first thought was how could she even think that.  I love her more than life itself.  If she could only read my mind.  Of course this wasn’t about me, but her.  I just looked her in the eyes and told her that I loved her more than anyone or anything in the whole world I said “I love you the most.”  I don’t think I have ever given her such a powerful, yet gentle hug.  I was willing all of my love to her and just wanting to soothe her in some way.  I was powerless to do much else.

She seemed to relax after a few minutes as we hugged and loved each other like so many times in the past.  At that point it seemed like we were all by ourselves in the   world.  Something magical where the world didn’t exist.  The cancer didn’t exist.  And the thought of losing her didn’t exist.

We must have loved each other or about 20 minutes or so and she said she was getting tired and wanted to rest.  I told her I was too.   I told her I loved her.  She told me she loved me too.  When I asked her how much she loved me she said very confidently and clearly said, ”I love you more than enough, and always will.”

Dear Readers,

In one model of grief there are five stages. When I try to look at them and figure out which stage I may be in, I sometimes get more confused.  I also feel like in any given day I am in all five.

NUMBNESS & DENIAL – Check

YEARNING & ANGER – Check

EMOTIONAL DESPAIR, SADNESS & WITHDRAWAL – Check

 REORGANIZATION – Check

LETTING GO & MOVING ON – Check

The 5 stages of grief:

1. NUMBNESS & DENIAL-
The first reaction to a loss, numbness or shock can help cushion the blow and can help you get through the initial mourning rituals with the family and the funeral. This stage can last a few hours, days, or even a few weeks.

2. YEARNING & ANGER-
The numbness wears off, and the painful realization of the loss hits full-force; you will yearn deeply for your lost loved one. You may be angry and have regrets of things left unsaid or dreams never realized.

3. EMOTIONAL DESPAIR, SADNESS & WITHDRAWAL-
The storm of intense emotions of the second stage gives way to a period of heavy sadness, silence and withdrawal from family and friends.

4. REORGANIZATION-
Reorganization and the beginning of positive emotions- Over time, the sadness stage will start to lessen, and you will begin to see a lightening of your emotions. You will start to perceive your life in a more positive light, although bouts of grief and sadness will persist, probably for the rest of your life.

5. LETTING GO & MOVING ON-
The final phase of this model is to let go of your need for the lost loved one and to move on with your life. Sadness will lessen greatly, and new interests will gradually occupy your thoughts more and more, crowding out the misery and desolation. The final stage is when you “pull your life back together”.

It is quite obvious that the transformation from one stage to another is not a smooth process and it is obvious from my viewpoint that I am in different stages throughout the day.  The one thing I know for sure that the part in
 Step 4 –  “bouts of grief and sadness will persist, probably for the rest of your life.” – will be painfully true.  I think this is the worst part of the whole experience.  When I have those bouts, I try to immediately push the thoughts away by remembering something positive about the Redhead.  It does help I must say.

I have recently met a woman who lost her husband to pancreatic cancer about six months ago.  The emotions that she has expressed to me are so similar to mine.  She is a dear sweet soul and I know her, and my, pain will diminish over time.  It is comforting to share with folks who have been “there” and can truly empathize with you.

At this time I would like to acknowledge all of my family and friends who have been such a huge support for me.  I am beginning to realize that other people are not as fortunate as me in that respect and that I am truly blessed.  It really means a lot when people are there for you when you need them.  As you know, that is one of Teresa’s greatest attributes.  The ability to listen and emphathize with people and just make them feel better.  My goal is to try to a bit better at that each and every day.  I hope each of you will help me remember that when I stray!